
It is so weird how this world works. I would not make my dog live the life that I have to live. I would put him to sleep. I would also give him strong pain killers that I refuse to take. I respect him and would honor him. That being said I have no choice but to continue on. What else is there left too do? Monday the CT scan came back with Sjogren’s. Yes, that means that I have racked up two auto-immune diseases. I am learning they like to hang out together.
My doctor’s have last names and titles and all that jazz, but to me they have first names. Julie said I need to live in the now. Lezlie says that doesn’t mean that I can’t have goals. I am to practice mantras since I have now gone to freaky, panic attack thoughts. Well my body is tired. I was really hoping that one day this would all be behind me and that I would be able to continue on with the life that I deserve. I been to hell and back, didn’t think I would need to revisit it. I am at a mind set that I have never been at. Mentally a very painful place. A place I wouldn’t wish that anyone would have to endure. It hasn’t even been a year and a half since cancer. I haven’t had once chance to come up for air. I want to come up for air!
I am a very strong person, but the panic attacks that have started are telling me that I am getting close to that breaking point. Always when I think I am so close to breaking, in the past, I wasn’t. The panic attacks out of no where are letting me know that I am a little over my head. I have no doubt in my mind that I can do this. It is going take a lot of balance. I do almost all of this on my own. A little help from a medical team. I can’t tell you how many doctors there are. The sarcoidosis alone takes a team. Read all you want about sarcoidosis and then tell me what you think it is like to have. You have no idea what it is like, the thing is that the medical articles are so outdated and inaccurate. Sarcoidosis is painful, depressing, exhausting, it goes on and on, the list. I most cases it does not got away. If you read that, well so have I and I have learned that it does not magically disappear. I won’t allow them to poison me into remission. Nor do they even want too.
Most of the time to get a “remission” in sarcoidosis you have to take cancer medications or immune-suppressant medication. This is not a true remission, when the disease does come back it comes back worse. Then there is the steroids.
Now I got Sjogren’s, which I am just learning how to say. My face has been hurting since Feb of this year. My eyes started burning just after the cancer surgery. This is very painful. It just starts out the blue and is painfully blinding. My ears, have become inflamed in the canal. Then it got a yeast infection. Then there was trauma to one ear drum and blood in the ear canal.
Not one day have I stayed in bed having a pity party. I get up, I continue on my way. My adenoids are enlarged and they have offered to have them removed. I have decided not to go that route. I have been hacked on enough this decade, thanks.
Yeah sometimes in my attic, it isn’t a place for great treasures, sometimes it is dark, dark place. People who get powerful from being sick, get off on it, have sick ego’s, well I have something to tell you. I don’t like you people, I never wanted this for myself, nor does it empower me in any shape or form. Strip me of all the illness and there is where the power lies. I am the person that hates medication and going to the doctor. I am the one that doesn’t know how to piss and moan in the proper manner. I hate pity. I am modest.
I feel like my lesson is acceptance. I have to accept shit, is that it? Yeah I am angry, I have every damn right to be angry. No God isn’t punishing me, no this isn’t punishment for something in a past life, this isn’t karma. No I am not on the wrong path, there is no destination this is a journey. I said I could do it, before I began it. I stood there before something or someone and I said I can do this. I wasn’t given this journey to fail and I am not even failing it. I am nailing it every step of the way. It is just this time around I didn’t pick something so easy. I don’t have to ask why me, I know damn well why me. The only thing I can ask is, what next?
See there is no map, no directions, no nothing. I haven’t made a mess of the mess that I deal with. It is all contained and neatly in place. I have gained more wisdom than the average person. I envy the naive and the LL Bean lady.