This one is a polymer face that I made and painted. Lined in blue beads, also waiting to place pin back on it.
Monthly Archive for September, 2008
Bone cat face. Outlined with brown beads. Still needs pin attached, will do that soon.
Ty and I went to the fair. I was going to get a small braid. He told me, “you waited so long to get one, if your going to get one go big”. Ty picked it out. This prevented me from having a panic attack.
Panic is my new thing. New medication to try and eliminate it. Now I have sort of figured out how to add pictures, maybe my blog won’t look so dry.
Yes, I am determined to get to the fair and get myself a garlic braid. Every year since my last one faded, I have been to ill to go and get a new one. Running low on cash, I tell Ty that we will gather all recycling up and cash it in, so we don’t have to take money from my dwindling food supply money.
Ty says he has some money somewhere around in his room and he will buy the garlic braid. He says it can’t be too much. Heck, I don’t even know if there is going to be any garlic braids there. I know now I live closer to the fair and in walking distance so I should be able to get there.
Ty offers to crush cans if I will put them on the ground and pick up the ones that he stomps. I think this is a good deal, I can handle this. I have been using my nose inhaler for my sjogren’s. Oh little did I know, not everything is as it seems. I start the agreed process with him. My face feels like it is going to explode. The pain is so yucky. I tell him Ty my face is hurting really bad, we have to do this slower. Ty does his normal short blurt of what he wants me to do, “stand up!”. “Don’t kill yourself over some damn cans!”. There is so many nerves in our faces, you would not believe it. Those suckers can really hurt. Since Feb. I have felt like I have had a sinus infection. It has been exhausting trying to figure out what it is and now the treatment begins. I am not sure how long it is going to take for the inflammation to go down, but I am so ready for it.
We finished the cans, and then I was too tired to turn them in. This is how things happen, I always have good intentions. I swear the LL Bean Lady has an automatic can crusher and she donates her recycling to a charity and she can drive to a cute little town’s farmer’s market and get herself a garlic braid and her best friend one too. The LL Bean lady has a husband too. He drives her where ever she wants to go. I hate that LL Bean lady!
An LL Bean catalog came to the house. I sat on the couch and looked at it. I own an LL Bean shirt. That isn’t the point. I sat there thinking what is the woman like that orders from LL Bean. I got my shirt from the thrift store.
The LL Bean lady goes to the lake. The LL Bean lady does not drive around a car with the liner falling down and the foam falling in her eyes. The LL Bean lady has air conditioning in her black car! The LL Bean lady would not allow herself to sweat in the car, and when she turns on the air, the foam from under the liner does not blow in her face. Her car does not make mysterious sounds and she doesn’t have to turn on the radio and sing along not to have panic attacks.
The LL Bean lady does not have to ghetto food shop. The LL Bean lady does not make notes like; get cheap ass mop. The LL Bean lady doesn’t shop looking for cheap ass anything. Basically the LL Bean lady might not have survival skills, cause her ass don’t need them. The LL Bean lady can buy rugged looking stuff, but she isn’t going to put it to proper use. Her life is nothing like mine. I then cried because I wanted to be the LL Bean lady. Yep it was a moment of insanity.
I looked through the whole catalog and I wasn’t the bit impressed except for the chair that I saw on the cover. Also the rain boots next to it were cool.
PS: The LL Bean lady might possibly have foot fungus, those who wear rain boots too long run the risk of getting the fungus. I bet the LL Bean lady has anti-fungal socks.
It is so weird how this world works. I would not make my dog live the life that I have to live. I would put him to sleep. I would also give him strong pain killers that I refuse to take. I respect him and would honor him. That being said I have no choice but to continue on. What else is there left too do? Monday the CT scan came back with Sjogren’s. Yes, that means that I have racked up two auto-immune diseases. I am learning they like to hang out together.
My doctor’s have last names and titles and all that jazz, but to me they have first names. Julie said I need to live in the now. Lezlie says that doesn’t mean that I can’t have goals. I am to practice mantras since I have now gone to freaky, panic attack thoughts. Well my body is tired. I was really hoping that one day this would all be behind me and that I would be able to continue on with the life that I deserve. I been to hell and back, didn’t think I would need to revisit it. I am at a mind set that I have never been at. Mentally a very painful place. A place I wouldn’t wish that anyone would have to endure. It hasn’t even been a year and a half since cancer. I haven’t had once chance to come up for air. I want to come up for air!
I am a very strong person, but the panic attacks that have started are telling me that I am getting close to that breaking point. Always when I think I am so close to breaking, in the past, I wasn’t. The panic attacks out of no where are letting me know that I am a little over my head. I have no doubt in my mind that I can do this. It is going take a lot of balance. I do almost all of this on my own. A little help from a medical team. I can’t tell you how many doctors there are. The sarcoidosis alone takes a team. Read all you want about sarcoidosis and then tell me what you think it is like to have. You have no idea what it is like, the thing is that the medical articles are so outdated and inaccurate. Sarcoidosis is painful, depressing, exhausting, it goes on and on, the list. I most cases it does not got away. If you read that, well so have I and I have learned that it does not magically disappear. I won’t allow them to poison me into remission. Nor do they even want too.
Most of the time to get a “remission” in sarcoidosis you have to take cancer medications or immune-suppressant medication. This is not a true remission, when the disease does come back it comes back worse. Then there is the steroids.
Now I got Sjogren’s, which I am just learning how to say. My face has been hurting since Feb of this year. My eyes started burning just after the cancer surgery. This is very painful. It just starts out the blue and is painfully blinding. My ears, have become inflamed in the canal. Then it got a yeast infection. Then there was trauma to one ear drum and blood in the ear canal.
Not one day have I stayed in bed having a pity party. I get up, I continue on my way. My adenoids are enlarged and they have offered to have them removed. I have decided not to go that route. I have been hacked on enough this decade, thanks.
Yeah sometimes in my attic, it isn’t a place for great treasures, sometimes it is dark, dark place. People who get powerful from being sick, get off on it, have sick ego’s, well I have something to tell you. I don’t like you people, I never wanted this for myself, nor does it empower me in any shape or form. Strip me of all the illness and there is where the power lies. I am the person that hates medication and going to the doctor. I am the one that doesn’t know how to piss and moan in the proper manner. I hate pity. I am modest.
I feel like my lesson is acceptance. I have to accept shit, is that it? Yeah I am angry, I have every damn right to be angry. No God isn’t punishing me, no this isn’t punishment for something in a past life, this isn’t karma. No I am not on the wrong path, there is no destination this is a journey. I said I could do it, before I began it. I stood there before something or someone and I said I can do this. I wasn’t given this journey to fail and I am not even failing it. I am nailing it every step of the way. It is just this time around I didn’t pick something so easy. I don’t have to ask why me, I know damn well why me. The only thing I can ask is, what next?
See there is no map, no directions, no nothing. I haven’t made a mess of the mess that I deal with. It is all contained and neatly in place. I have gained more wisdom than the average person. I envy the naive and the LL Bean lady.
Whoever said you can’t have too many friends was a fool. Sure I tell this to people when I am trying to get a good deal on a purchase. I make claims that I will be their new best friend and that a person can’t have too many best friends. This is a lie, it is an untruth. Let us call it that, since it is done in fun. Most people will go along with the game of getting a new best friend and give you a deal. They just seem to like the idea. I have no idea why, as I believe this would not work on me.
Standing in the check out line at the store, my cell phone keeps going off. I am the kind of person that will not answer this damn thing in line. So all those people that think, I will, you can stop trying to get me to answer it. I will check the voice mail, if I am not at the front of the line. When I get to the front of the line the cashier, informs me that I am popular. No I have stalkers! aka friends! I am so irritated, at this point. I ask the cashier if he has a lot of friends. Which he does not. I inform him of his fortune.
It isn’t that I don’t like people, okay maybe that is it and I am in denial. No this is not true. I just don’t have a strong need for the company of others and I have to work at even needing it. I am not anti-social or lacking in social skills. I just get annoyed having to be there for others so much. This is the down and the dirty of it, I can’t stand needy people. I have a hard time being good friends with someone that can’t equally match me. I am loyal, respectful, I won’t just pop up on your door step, cause I was in the neighborhood, I am kind, did I mention loyal, oh yes, it is one of my greatest gifts and one of my worst, hence the stalker friends. I am a very private person, I like the comfort of this and I don’t like invaders.
Everyday, and I mean everyday, I am avoiding someone. There isn’t enough of me. I need myself back! I am not like a book from the library that you check out and never return, cause your too cheap to go out and buy your own copy.
Oh yes, back to the phone. I hate the cell phone, I hate it. I didn’t get it to stay close to people. I got it for emergency. Yes, if you call me on it, you might hear me say…”I am losing connection, hello?, hello?” and then I hang up, that means, I don’t want to talk. I have already told you people that I hate that thing. I have already asked you not to call me on it. Hey, I didn’t even want to give you my cell number. Since that didn’t sink in, I have had to get creative. Holding it out the car window, so you can hear the freeway wind is just one of my many tricks.
I had to get a home phone with the “do not disturb” (DND) feature. I pay my bills, it isn’t for the telemarketers or the bill collectors, it is to keep from being disturbed. I have had to leave my home and walk into town to escape the phone and people. I have sat on a curb, on my cell phone in tears because I have no freedom to be me and just hang out with myself. I have cried to Jude, asking him for advice to fend off the masses. When the phone with the DND broke, I refused to get a new one for months. When I found a new one with the DND feature all of Costco knew of my find. I cheered and danced. It was like I had found gold.
So if you find yourself friendless, well you can have my cell phone list. I have connections. I can loan out some friends. Please be prepared to take good care of them cause I don’t need them returned any more fucked up than they already are.
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i hope you like your new blog. i like the picture of the flower you took, it is very good. 
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